People don't change. People can change.

One morning last fall I contemplated the blog topic, “People don’t change.” For several months, I had been enveloped in negativity about my working life, and I was convinced that this was a leadership stone that needed to be shared. As I began to write, I realized that I had plenty of experiences where people HAD changed, so I decided to write two separate blogs with seemingly contradicting theories. These leadership stones explore the assumption that sometimes people change, sometimes they don’t—and managing that fact.

Let’s start with people not changing—in this case, me. For many years I have struggled with remembering people’s names. It wasn’t that I’d blank on a name entirely; instead I’d simply call a person by the wrong name. I had other retrieval problems as well: my mother thought I was colorblind when actually I simply said “red” for “green.” I appeared directionality challenged because I switched “north” for “south.” I remember one of my students, when I corrected myself, said “I knew which direction you were talking about. I just made the switch for you.” <smile>

Fast forward to advanced adulthood: I still make these mistakes today. I’ve learned to be cautious about saying a person’s name definitively, and I sometimes remember to pause before labeling a cardinal direction. But the fact is that I’m not appreciably better at word retrieval than I was 50+ years ago.  

What do I do with that information? Sometimes I share it. I say, “Sorry I got that wrong. I’m challenged by word retrieval.” Sometimes I just laugh and move on. Sometimes I say nothing, for fear that I will make a mistake, or I use a coping strategy. “Hi, this is my husband Chris. Have you two met before?” --hoping the other person will introduce him/herself. I’ve made peace with my shortcoming.

I once worked with a team where one member’s greatest motivation was self-promotion. He did this using a variety of tools: physically positioning himself in front of the “important” people; manipulating the conversation to make others look bad; actively attacking others’ ideas without adequate information or any ideas of his own. It took me a while to understand not only that this was a driving force for this individual, but that anything I said or did to change his behavior was futile. My logical next step should have been to develop strategies to manage my behavior with him and to find other resources to get my work done.

I was often the victim of this person’s behavior, and I wasted a lot of time trying to manipulate the situation and make myself look better. I learned a lot about myself through this process, foremost that it takes a lot of energy to manipulate others and that I am not at all good at it. I suppose that’s a good thing, but the point here is that I was trying to change this individual, and I could not. His behavior was entrenched, and it had apparently served him well. And there were two byproducts of my own efforts: I wasted time and energy, and I looked bad in front of other people. Once I came to my senses, I realized I should carefully evaluate the payoff of trying to change another person. In this case, it was definitely not worth the effort.

It turns out that my motive for changing this person was off, too: I was motivated by the self-righteous idea that I was better than him, that my angle was better than his, that his behavior was bad and needed to stop. But none of these assessments made the least bit of positive difference in my own quality of work. In fact, they detracted from it. I’d like to get back some of the time and emotional energy I put into trying to get something different from this relationship.

Eventually I shifted my thinking and my behavior. I asked others to meet along with the two of us. I ignored bad behavior, and calmly redirected the conversation when this person tried to throw me under the bus. I looked for allies to help me overcome barriers this person created. While I never got it completely right, at least I wasn’t waking up at 3 am each day, my heart pounding with dread about the coming workday.

A favorite quote I return to again and again is, “you cannot enlighten the unconscious.” It’s best to recognize futility and move beyond it—to focus on oneself and others who  warrant the time and effort that relationship- and team-building requires. Whether you’re the manager, the colleague, or the subordinate, accepting, working with, or rejecting others’ strengths, limitations, and behaviors is just part of the job.

Balancing family, self, and work Part 2

There is a vulnerability to taking a leadership position that adds to its challenges. Being a leader means that you are in full view of those you work on behalf of. I’ve been judged for the length of my skirt, my hairstyle, the way I introduced someone, the fact that my voice was on the message that informed employees of the day’s weather challenges. And those are just the things I actually heard; I can only imagine what else was said! When you are a leader, you are charged with being an example for those around you. And when personal things happen to you that affect your work, rest assured that everyone is watching.

 I’ve seen numerous approaches to this dilemma, and some of them resonated with me more than others. Those leaders who communicated their situation matter-of-factly, with some but not too much detail, earned the most respect and understanding among their constituents and with me. And those who let me know what I could expect and what I should do in their absence helped me the most.

This seems so simple. But when you are in the middle of a family crisis or other life change, it’s easy to be uncertain of what to do. When I had emergency surgery and was told I needed to be away from work for eight weeks, I fell into the “I’m different from everyone else and will just work through it” trap and ignored the HR rules prohibiting return to work until release by the doctor. I showed up at a two-hour meeting just a few days after being released from the hospital, thinking I could manage that short time frame. I couldn’t. Apparently, my skin tone gave away my infirmed state: my colleagues described me as becoming increasingly grey as the meeting progressed.

I didn’t do anyone a favor by showing up and enduring the meeting—in fact, I demonstrated poor leadership skills in doing so. I served as a lousy role model by not taking care of myself, not following the HR rules, and making my colleagues uncomfortable.

 What are the rules, then, for a leader whose personal life is challenging her ability to perform her job? These three guidelines apply to most situations.

1.     Communicate your situation matter-of-factly.

Communicating too much or too little can make people uncomfortable. Going in for surgery? It’s probably best not to give details. Family member passed? Don’t go on and on about his drinking habit or the large estate she left. The more you share, the more you leave yourself open for judgment and further speculation. But sharing nothing can be equally as damaging: you will leave your colleagues with no framework within which to operate. It’s a simple concept, really. If you do not communicate the seriousness of your situation, others will not take it seriously.

2.     Let your colleagues know what to expect and what you need from them.

Will you need to leave early every Tuesday to attend a counseling appointment with your teenager? Share your schedule with your colleagues and make the arrangements necessary to cover your time away. A situation like this can lead to opportunity for those who report to you—you might ask a promising leader to run a regular meeting on your behalf. Your coworkers will be grateful that you trust them to move forward in your absence.

3.     Ask your colleagues what they need in your absence.

Set them up for success. If you are in a leadership position where your signature is regularly required, who will sign in your absence? Do you owe others a report you won’t be able to get to? Were you going to attend a meeting in support of one of your colleagues and won’t be able to go? You may not remember all your obligations when you are in the middles of a crisis or medical issue. It’s best to check in with others about what you’ve committed to or ask someone to do so on your behalf.

 If you do not communicate what you need from others, they will feel unsupported and their stress level will increase. Seeing your own crisis as an opportunity for everyone to put his or her best foot forward will help everyone in your organization thrive.

Balancing family, self, and work Part 1

In a diverse work environment, the best leaders regularly support team members when personal issues arise: a death in the family, chronic illness, challenges at home. We all talk about work-life balance, but what does a leader need to know to effectively manage personal issues that come up with other employees?

I’ve seen a variety of leaders’ responses to personal crises: “Do whatever you need to do; the work will wait,” or “You have three bereavement days: you can either make up the time or we’ll have to doc your pay.” Seriously.

I’m the leader who says, “Do what you need to do.” I believe in flexible implementation of policy when an employee is faced with challenges outside his/her control, even if it puts the company in a short-term bind. But I’ve also handled the aftermath of the latter response, and it is not pretty. Employees have come to me in tears because their leader was all business about their personal tragedy. So how do you strike a balance between leniency and rigidity?

First, recognize that everyone handles personal challenge differently. Some will want to share the details of their situation; some will be private. Some will want to remain at work through their adversity, and others will simply not be capable of work. Some will want the option to do what they can. The best thing is to recognize differences and to be flexible in managing the situation.

What about precedent, you say? Aren’t there rules, laws even, that must be followed? Well, sure. But there is also decency and respect. Even if rules must be followed, look for ways to be flexible where you can.

The first time I experienced the grace of a leader was when my mother was dying from cancer. Her illness was relatively short—3-1/2 months—and the cancer was all-consuming. I traveled the twelve hours south as often as I could, taking shifts with my dad and siblings as we cared for her around the clock. I had a full caseload of students at that time, including two braille readers.

Although I had a wonderful braillist working on behalf of these students, she did not know the math code. I had not been able to secure a braille version of the first grader’s math textbook, so I was brailling it myself, working through it a few weeks ahead of his class. The book had diagrams on nearly every page—arrow roads, they were called—that had to be hand drawn and labeled in Nemeth code.

Each afternoon I would sit at my parents’ dining room table with the book at my side and a braillewriter in front of me, tapping out the instructions, removing the paper to draw the arrow roads with a tracing wheel, and labeling them with a slate and stylus. When I had ten or so pages completed, I put them in an envelope and mailed them off to the student’s school. 

Some criticized me for doing this work, even called me a workaholic. Others chided me for being away from my caseload for more than the allotted time. Here are the actual words my boss said to me when I was fretting about taking another leave: “They’ll still be blind when you get back.” Now those words might offend some, but for this 30-year-old teacher, they were exactly right. Boom! Put things into perspective. You are not indispensable. Move forward. Do what you can.

What my supervisor offered was an opportunity to do what I needed both for my family and for my students. I am grateful for the example he set and have used this leadership stone many, many times, both for myself and on behalf of my colleagues.

When a colleague comes to you with a personal issue, try balancing the needs of the organization with that of the employee:  What needs to be done in the individual’s absence? What flexibility can you offer that will help the person in crisis move forward? Providing support both for employees and your organization makes everyone a winner.

On Being New, part 2

Learn the Culture.

The most glaring mistakes I’ve made as a new employee or a leader new to an organization have been related to my lack of understanding of the culture. This issue can be related to a new geographic location or the different culture of the organization and, sometimes, both. The message is simple: if you are motivated to make a change that will affect others, make sure you’re not breaking a major cultural rule.

My brilliant idea to change Columbus Day to Heritage Day at a school for the blind was rooted in my own culture and background. I was a westerner, from places where there were anti-Columbus protests and a common understanding that this dude was bad for indigenous people. My infamous line, shared loudly at a meeting with mostly-New England natives, went something like this: “What? You mean we celebrate the man who pillaged the land?” I took people’s looks of horror in stride; I was stirring things up that deserved messing with.

Sometime later, I took the next step. In a meeting with the organization’s president, I suggested that we reframe Columbus Day as Heritage Day on campus and spotlight the many cultures represented on our campus. He agreed heartily, and I set out to make a few changes. Easy, right? I was in a position of power, where decisions could be made unilaterally and others would agree by virtue of my role. (This is another leadership stone I’ll hit on later: being in a position of power does not lead to successful unilateral decision-making.)

My decision blew up in my face. What I had failed to understand is that I had moved to a geographic location where many of Italian heritage lived, and Columbus Day was akin to Italian pride. I’d smacked that pride right in the face with my one-sided thinking and offended a whole bunch of people in the process.

So what’s the learning here? The answer is: Ask. Float the trial balloon, as they say. Run your idea by a few people you trust and listen to their perspectives. Then weigh the risks and make your decision. Be sensitive to the culture. As a person new to an organization who has not yet earned the trust of your colleagues, you should be more risk-adverse when considering a change that will challenge the heart of the culture. 

I’ve got bunches of cultural faux paux stories, but here’s another that was harder to recognize than the Columbus Day debacle. I had been a new (interim) principal for a school for the blind for just over a year. And yes, that still counts as “new.” I didn’t fall into a routine at that job for over four years, when I finally had decent support staffing. (But that’s another story.) We were working on the school calendar for the year, trying to fit in some in-service time to implement a program that would bring people together across the school in a self-study. I was super enthusiastic about this program and assumed that others, once they caught the fever, would be too. I was so sure of this, in fact, that I decided to place one in-service day on a Monday of a break week. What harm could making a five-day week into a four-day week do?

 As it turns out: plenty. Break weeks were sacred at this school. Because many of our students boarded and lived far from the school, we sent them home for week-long breaks every four-six weeks. Doing this made the school year longer and the summer break shorter, but the system was highly regarded by staff. They saw the week-long breaks as respite for the intense work the carried out, and many were in the habit of traveling during those times.

Scheduling “just one day” of their break week turned out to go against the school’s culture in a big way. From their point of view, I had taken away a full nine days of self-care. And let’s just say that the energetic in-service day wasn’t. I had difficulty engaging folks fully and didn’t make much progress.

 I should have asked.

 Culture can take many forms in an organization. We are influenced by internal history as well as that of the local town or state. Non-profit differs from school district from state or federal agency. Education and medical models change the way we interpret and deliver services. Culture is complex, and it takes time to understand it. When you are new, take care to observe, ask questions, and learn about your organization’s culture. Value the information you discover, and revel I the fact that we are not all the same. 

On Being New, part 1

I’ve been new a lot. I’m open to change, will consider options, and have moved around the country for new job opportunities. I’ve learned a little bit about being new with every job change. Some of that wisdom has been gained through notable successes, some of it through massive failures. What I’ve also seen is how poor others are at being new. I see the same mistakes being made by new employees, particularly at the middle manager and executive level.

I have been writing this book, “How to be New,” in my head for many years. First, I’d like to take a look at what motivates our behavior when we start a new job with an organization.

 The First 100 Days

Where did this society get the idea that massive change needs to occur in an executive’s first 100 days? You hear it every four years from our government: the President creates his agenda and sets out to accomplish as much as possible during his first 100 days. Hillary Clinton, one of the most experienced politicians to run for President, shares a lot of her plans for her first 100 days in What Happened. While Hillary knows the landscape of the White House pretty well, she’s never been President. Wouldn’t it be better to take the first 100 days to listen rather than just to act?

The first 100 days of any job should be spent learning and listening. I saw a lot of “armchair administration” when I worked in schools; people were quick to judge from any vantage point. They believed they could effectively determine what to do in a particular situation without actually being in that situation. But when you are IN a position, everything changes. You gain a perspective that you cannot possibly have unless you actually assume the role. In fact, it takes multiple perspectives to understand a situation well enough to act on it effectively; the outsider perspective alone is not enough. So it is the job of the new leader to listen, learn, and run her observations through the filter of her own experiences, expertise, and education.

Acting without history or perspective is one of the most harmful leadership styles I have witnessed. This doesn’t mean an effective new leader does not make decisions; it means that she gathers a variety of perspectives and learns factual information about a situation or an organization before acting.

 So what should occur during the first 100 days in a new position?

 Some activities are simple: first, Meet with your key stakeholders. Listen and learn about their backgrounds, the job they do, and their perspectives about the organization. Write down what you learn. But also make plans to reach further into the organization to hear from those not in leadership positions. In education those people might be teachers, paraprofessionals, related service providers, finance officers, groundskeepers, and parents. In a nonprofit, it might be grant writers, fundraisers, human resource members, safety officers, factory workers, IT specialists, and administrative assistants.

Second, Participate. Participate in meetings by asking questions and providing structure if it is needed. Attend regular department meetings run by other leaders. Attend events for the organization: bike rallies, birthday celebrations, lunch and learns, retirement celebrations. Walk around your campus if the organization is in one place, and plan site visits if your position has a remote component or additional sites. Participate in events tthat you serendipitously encounter.

Sometimes a person who is new finds it hard to justify the time it takes to observe. She feels that if she is not implementing new practices, criticizing current procedures, or introducing new perspectives, she is not doing her work. Instead, think about Franklin Covey’s Time Matrix Covey Time Managment and the Important/Not Urgent quartile. You are not only learning the foundation of the organization you have joined: you are also building relationships and resources for the work you will do later.

 Third, and this is the one I struggle with the most: Be Present. As a new employee and particularly a new executive, you will be observed and judged by those around you. Stay off your phone, look people in the eye, take notes during meetings. Too often my ADD mind drifted during a meeting, and I resorted to old habits like opening up my laptop or checking emails and texts on my phone. If there’s one habit I wish I could break, it’s that one. And with opportunities to be distracted expanding every day, staying ahead of this one is very challenging.

 What you are wearing, what you are doing, how you respond, the questions you ask: they will ALL be judged intently by the people who are new to you. Choose your behaviors wisely. Remember that you are balancing what others are learning about with what you are learning about them and the organization they represent. Your opportunity to take a fresh look at your colleagues is short-lived: make the most of it.