There is a vulnerability to taking a leadership position that adds to its challenges. Being a leader means that you are in full view of those you work on behalf of. I’ve been judged for the length of my skirt, my hairstyle, the way I introduced someone, the fact that my voice was on the message that informed employees of the day’s weather challenges. And those are just the things I actually heard; I can only imagine what else was said! When you are a leader, you are charged with being an example for those around you. And when personal things happen to you that affect your work, rest assured that everyone is watching.
I’ve seen numerous approaches to this dilemma, and some of them resonated with me more than others. Those leaders who communicated their situation matter-of-factly, with some but not too much detail, earned the most respect and understanding among their constituents and with me. And those who let me know what I could expect and what I should do in their absence helped me the most.
This seems so simple. But when you are in the middle of a family crisis or other life change, it’s easy to be uncertain of what to do. When I had emergency surgery and was told I needed to be away from work for eight weeks, I fell into the “I’m different from everyone else and will just work through it” trap and ignored the HR rules prohibiting return to work until release by the doctor. I showed up at a two-hour meeting just a few days after being released from the hospital, thinking I could manage that short time frame. I couldn’t. Apparently, my skin tone gave away my infirmed state: my colleagues described me as becoming increasingly grey as the meeting progressed.
I didn’t do anyone a favor by showing up and enduring the meeting—in fact, I demonstrated poor leadership skills in doing so. I served as a lousy role model by not taking care of myself, not following the HR rules, and making my colleagues uncomfortable.
What are the rules, then, for a leader whose personal life is challenging her ability to perform her job? These three guidelines apply to most situations.
1. Communicate your situation matter-of-factly.
Communicating too much or too little can make people uncomfortable. Going in for surgery? It’s probably best not to give details. Family member passed? Don’t go on and on about his drinking habit or the large estate she left. The more you share, the more you leave yourself open for judgment and further speculation. But sharing nothing can be equally as damaging: you will leave your colleagues with no framework within which to operate. It’s a simple concept, really. If you do not communicate the seriousness of your situation, others will not take it seriously.
2. Let your colleagues know what to expect and what you need from them.
Will you need to leave early every Tuesday to attend a counseling appointment with your teenager? Share your schedule with your colleagues and make the arrangements necessary to cover your time away. A situation like this can lead to opportunity for those who report to you—you might ask a promising leader to run a regular meeting on your behalf. Your coworkers will be grateful that you trust them to move forward in your absence.
3. Ask your colleagues what they need in your absence.
Set them up for success. If you are in a leadership position where your signature is regularly required, who will sign in your absence? Do you owe others a report you won’t be able to get to? Were you going to attend a meeting in support of one of your colleagues and won’t be able to go? You may not remember all your obligations when you are in the middles of a crisis or medical issue. It’s best to check in with others about what you’ve committed to or ask someone to do so on your behalf.
If you do not communicate what you need from others, they will feel unsupported and their stress level will increase. Seeing your own crisis as an opportunity for everyone to put his or her best foot forward will help everyone in your organization thrive.