When I was a teenager, a high school friend admonished me for saying “sorry” several times throughout the day. Apologizing came naturally to me then, but it was based mostly on my lack of confidence rather than a real need to apologize for everything I did that was a little off. Fast forward to a few months ago, when the scheduler of a virtual meeting was MIA for her own meeting. My teammate and I waited in the cyber room for 20 minutes, then called it quits.
No big deal—managing one’s own calendar can be tricky, especially if participants are spread across the US. I sent her a quick email suggesting that we reschedule for the following week.
I was struck by her response, though—a couple of lines explaining how and why she had lost track of time and missed signing in. She never really owned the mistake.
I can remember numerous instances through the years where mistakes and follow-up communication have varied. A special education director would regularly show up for a scheduled observation several minutes late and would proceed as if she had not missed the first part of the lesson. Someone we contract with to rent out our house responded to a concern where we noted a mishap in a photograph taken of our home. A painting, instead of hanging in its usual spot on the wall, sat on the floor. When we asked what had happened, he said, “it became dislodged.” Both of these instances seemed to lack the basic courtesy of acknowledging a mistake.
During my tenure as a school administrator, staff would come to me to share a mistake they had made, for example, in a communication with a parent or the student himself. Many would apologize profusely, while others would spend the bulk of the meeting sharing copious amounts of details supporting their wrong-doing. Understanding why a mistake was made is important, but it doesn’t constitute an apology: it just feels like justification.
Like most of us, I have mis-stepped many times. I am reasonably comfortable with acknowledging my mistakes and I typically apologize readily. But HOW I apologize matters.
My take-away: In most instances, responding to a mistake requires a two-line answer: the first acknowledging that a mistake has been made and the second apologizing for it. This communication should be voiced rather than written, but in some cases, following up with a written note can be valuable. Our desired end result should be to acknowledge and then move past the error, learn from it, and not repeat it.