We have all had experiences where someone at a meeting or on social media is VERY upset about something, and we dismiss their focus with a comment like, “that person needs to get a life, “ or “he has too much time on his hands.” This happened to me a few weeks ago at a homeowner’s association meeting, when one person went on and on about the (apparently unacceptable) way the landscapers trimmed the desert spoon plants in our common areas. It occurs to me that we all might have too much time on our hands, the way we comment about this or criticize that. It’s not just a daily habit, but a several-times-a-day habit we’ve gotten into.
My “aha!” moment about different perspectives came at a public event several years ago. I was representing the nonprofit where I worked, and many donors were in attendance. The leader of the organization had some of the most amazing skills I’d ever witnessed when it came to meet and greets. He was working the room like a pro, personalizing his comments to each guest, and making everyone feel at home.
“He’s wearing that suit again,” said a member of the fundraising department. “What?” I asked, reframing my thoughts to focus on how our leader was dressed. “The tan one. The tan suit. He’s wearing the tan suit again.”
My boss’s professional wardrobe flashed across my mind. He had some beautiful suits: charcoal gray, black, a brown that still worked with his graying hair. He had a great set of ties, some with themes that signified his work, others that were perfectly matched to a colored shirt and particular suit. And he did have one tan suit. I found it curious, unusual, but also a little brave. Why not wear something different from the same old same old black or minor variation? The “tan suit” color was more toward taupe, and I thought it looked fine. No big deal.
Back to my colleague. “Who wears tan suits?” I quickly noted our different perspectives: she disliked the suit and thought it was inappropriate for events like this. It was an irritation to her. I thought it was unique but pretty much a non-issue. While she had judged his effectiveness as a fundraiser in part by what he was wearing, I was looking only at his actions.
Now don’t get me wrong. Tan IS an anomaly in a Boston landscape of black attire. I once showed up at an upscale event wearing an ensemble of brown and realized right away that I’d gotten it wrong. But the idea, implied, that a tan suit might put off donors seemed like a stretch to me.
Here’s my learning: not only do opinions vary, they also vary in the weight they carry. Appearances, attributes, and behaviors run through our individual filters and are judged. Some are barely considered, while others drive individuals to distraction, to irritation, to the need to complain. Some are notable enough to be acted upon. Information inflow is constant, and it can be distracting if we focus on inconsequential matters. Choose what it is that is significant enough to comment on or to take action for or against.
As a leader, you will not only be called on to judge: you will be judged. Constantly. I have been judged for the tone and volume of my voice, the length of my skirts, the height of my heels, the organization of my presentations, my hairstyle, the size and shape of my body. I’ve also been judged on my technical expertise, the way I handle crises, and where I go on vacation. Part of leading is being visible and noted. It’s inevitable.
As you consider how you are judged, spend some time looking at how you judge others. There’s often a story behind what you perceive: the tan suit could have been a reminder of a loved one’s clothing preferences, or it could just be a tan suit. If it’s important to you, consider asking about the item of concern. Find out if there’s a story.
Place your energy where you can make the greatest difference. Becoming distracted by judgment that does not support your goals takes away from your effectiveness. When others point out things they perceive as wrong, take a moment to consider whether their perspective adds to or detracts from your goals.